#or theme park alone is something only lame losers do

[historicalbooknerd]

Like, I went out to lunch with some friends the other day, and while the rest of them wanted to go hang out some more after the lunch, I said nope! Bye! I’m going to the thrift store next door then I’m going home and playing stardew valley. Later that day, one of them texts me asking if I was okay because “I left quickly”. Like bruh, I was the first to show up, and just because I didn’t drag my feet out of there doesnt mean that I didn’t enjoy your company, or that something is wrong, I litterly just wanted to go home and play stardew valley, and I would have liked to do it w/out getting interrogated on whether I was okay or not because I didn’t jump at any opportunity to extend time together

Hate how society has somehow deemed being not available, but also not doing anything else “important” as an indicator that something is seriously wrong. Just because I am not doing anything else doesn’t mean that I am automatically available to talk and hang out with, and just because I want to be alone doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. I’m an introvert! I like and I thrive having alone time! Not wanting to have a 2 hour+ conversation at 9 pm when I worked my customer-facing job for 8 hours earlier doesnt mean that I’m two seconds away from having a mental breakdown, it means that I want to just hang out alone and play video games without having to pause every two seconds to respond to the latest text!

Am I not allowed to be alone without people assuming that I’m mentally not okay? Does solitude and enjoying the company of ones self make someone insane?

[wychive]

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic 

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn​ !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph)  sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol  im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:) 

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason… a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3 

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?  

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me.. 

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you. 

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people. 

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them. 

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog. 

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine. 

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were. 

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar. 

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio​ , @neo-shitty​

reply to be in my gen taglist!

[guidingthulite]

A, B!!!, J, L, N, P, Q, R, S, T, Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLS TELL oof i love ur writing!!

OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN THANKS EMY!!!

aaaaa you love my writing? i’m so happy to hear that

A: Your current OTP.

HAMAHAYA. HAMAHAYA BIG TIME. And also lowkey Ishimondo but HamaHaya is my main one!!! I love them so much and I have so many headcanons and stories for them!!! That’s kinda why I want to put them on poly relationships? Like I want these relationships to be explored but I can’t take them away from each other

B: A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind.

I haven’t considered Yuuichi ² (and i refuse to call it any other way) but man did you change my mind. Did you.

Also there was this one time I just liked MasaHika as a BROTP but then @producktions and my brother came and… I surrendered :’D

J: Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr.

Oh, Voltron definitely! I saw all this fanart, and fics and stuff and all I knew it was filed under ‘gays in space’, but then @justanothermatsugirl and @srta-double invited me to watch and… Porntron came to be. And Porntron is the best thing. Ever.

L: Your favorite fanartist/author gives you one request, what do you ask for?

It depends? I usually try to make both of us happy when it comes to requests, for example, if that person likes, say, HamaHaya but I feel like I want HamaKura I will ask them for HamaHaya anyways because 1. HAMAHAYA and 2. Maybe they will put more feel into the art!!! And what is most important of art is the feelings that it is put into it! Best art is the art you can tell the author put all their heart on~!

but if i could choose anything, give me the hamahayakuraminamana, you cowards

N: Your favorite fandom (for the people; not the thing you fangirl over).

Um… Is it normal I want to say the MOTHER fandom on 2014? Especifically on DA. It was like a tiny family… Everyone knew each other. Everyone was nice with each other. It was so nice. But now everyone parted ways and I have no idea where everyone is. Most left DA (and so did I) and I can’t help but wonder where they are. But my current fandom is really nice too… It’s like a family, too… Sometimes.

P: Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

Lately I’ve been thinking about a Go Ares AU a lot and hamano goes to tengawara for obvious reasons but that’s kinda boring so I gotta think about something more interesting >:3c

Kind of a joke AU, but still:

Have you guys ever heard about ~LA FERIA~? It’s like this weird Spanish thing we have. Everyone dances and sings these lame guitar songs which are mostly like aAAAAaAAAaaaYYYYYYYY @loreprotectionsquad can confirm BUT! that’s not the interesting thing! The interesting thing about Feria is that we basically get a mini amusement park on our town, just because! 

So my brother and I thought about some Go kids there and it just…

Hamano gets Kurama a giant Snake plush and he tries to ride on a… Ride with it and it almost slips out but he clings to it and manages to save it. Hamano thinks it’s adorable. Kurama swears he’ll kill him if he tells someone. Hamano promised Hayami he’d get a plushie for him too, but he is unable (because you can only win one plush per day) so Hayami gets a dolphin plush for him. Imagine Hayami walking around with two overly joyful boyfriends clinging to their giant plushies. Goals.

Kirino and Shindou ride on the ferris wheel which they don’t set up anymore, but still. and Ibuki tries to climb it but fails (?

Shinsuke rides on some dinosaur themed train, and there’s clowns with balloons and stuff you can snatch from them. He gets a plastic axe. Which are super hard to get i need to tell you the story of how i got one when i was like 8. it was so stupid it’s funny He somehow convinces Tsurugi to ride too, while Tenma and Aoi look at them. They have become the ultime balloon snatchers. No one can stop them. Aoi and Tenma are so proud.

Taiyou comes, sees Tenma and waves at him, approaching him. Then all of the sudden, Fuyuka comes rushing after him, and tells Tenma that ‘Taiyou should be in right now, sorry for the inconvenience’ and picks him by the stomach (you know… like a kitten, with her arm around his torso? you get me, right?) while Taiyou tries to escape, but fails.

Kariya and Hikaru try to hide from Hiroto and Midorikawa, who have come with them, but Kariya wants some time alone, while they want to take pics of everything they do, basically.

Something about Yukimura and Fubuki was mentioned, along with Kishibe and Aphrodi, but I don’t remember ;v; Also, Amagi going with Mahoro and Yukie, and all of the third years (Minamisawa as well, for some reason) going together too.

My brother kinda dislikes Galaxy (except Tetsukado, Kusaka and Konoha) so I’ll do their stuff myself.

Minaho and Manabe compete to see who will get more plushies. They only get one keychain working together. They give it to the first team member that they see because they don’t know who should keep it.

But that was after the previously mentioned day, so the Second Year Trio got them plushies instead (they got the hang of one game and they WILL make the most of it. And, they have to help a boyfriend out, right?

So they spend the rest of the festivity together. And they have fun and stuff.

There’s one ride with horses. Konoha spends 98/100 there. Otherwise, she wouldn’t come. It’s so noisy, and crowded…

Kusaka comes and goes to check on her. He can’t ride on most… Rides (this is redundant) anyways. He’s too tall.

Tetsukado and Hamano competed to see who was better at Duck-Fishing. Let’s just say that Shinsuke and Hamano’s boyfriends came home with lots of plushes and prices…

Sakura aced all the games. How did she manage, no one knows (she was, in fact, the first one Minaho and Manabe offered the keychain to. But she rejected it and got two super sparkly keychains for them instead. Minaho and Manabe offered it anyways in exchange but she said that it was nothing and that they should keep the one they got.

Matatagi showed his brothers the place and rode on some rides (seriously how is this so redundant). Eventually they joined the Plushie Fest. Matatagi’s brothers cheered. He, not so much, not when he had to carry around giant plushies for the rest of the day, as his brothers were too busy exploring around.

I think that’s all??? Am I forgetting someone? except zanakurou but i don’t know what to do with him. he dances sevillanas. i don’t know. sorry darling

Oh, yeah, and there’s also this AU my brother and I made in which Kurama is a time traveler and quite literally Hamano and Hayami’s son (he has a big sister named Estrella but that’s for another time) and he has come because their parents were too slow too realize they had feelings for each other and he fears for his existence and his sister’s (???

Q: A ship you’ve abandoned and why.

Can you believe I used to ship Min/////a/kura? But, to be honest, I didn’t know what that was. I just found some comic of them and I thought it was cute. Then I got more into InaEle, and well…

I’m saying that one because I can’t think of anything else XD

R: A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships.

The Kurama multiship fest, which I will proceed to explain, even though the first one is sorta popular, but still:

Hamano and Hayami, because I saw HamaKura and I thought it was really cute! (when i got used to kurama, at first i didn’t like him but i found hamahayakura and i went ‘eeeeeeeehhh’ but you already know that story) then I thought of HamaHaya + HamaKura and Hayami just got into the package for some reason XD

Hikaru, because I was salty I didn’t ship him with Minamisawa and I wanted to ship him with someone but I didn’t know who, then he had a little scene with Hikaru on the games (when they go look for Shinsuke or something) and a lightbulb light up on my head

Tenma because, honestly, how can you have someone you ship with everyone but not Tenma? Plus it’s cute. 

Tsurugi because I saw somebody posting drawings of them and I went ‘hey they cute’ and that’s all. also the fandom team might or might not had something to do with it

Kariya because they had this scene when they went to China on CS that i don’t even remember but what i do remember is my brother asking me why i wasn’t saying anything about the ship, and i went ‘well, i don’t, BUUUUUUUUUT’ and so it started.

Minaho because, and listen well because this one is weird, I was in class, and I was bored, and I decided to make quadrants for some InaEle characters, I started by Minaho and went ‘huh so, Moirail, Manabe, Matesprit, Manabe, Kismesis, Manab-wait’ so I decided to crack it up a bit and now it was ‘Moirail, Hamano, Matesprit, Manabe’ but I wanted to give him a Kismesis (that could’ve been perfectly Matatagi, but I didn’t think of that because I’m dumb) (also read: a love rivalry more or less) so I gave him Kurama. THEN I played BigBang and they had a small interaction and since back then I couldn’t even read Hiragana I don’t know what they said but Kurama made a sad face afterwards so I take it as I was right

Fei because Kurama learns Bouncer Rabbit on Galaxy (actually the two-people version. He does it with Hamano because I’m obvious) and also Fei stole his number, now Kurama has to steal something back (???

Taiyou because on my CS game Kurama, Taiyou and Hikaru always do hissatsus together on the random thing (that makes also Sakura and Matatagi do Butterfly Dream together all the time for some reason. Which is funny because I lowkey shipped it before starting Galaxy) so I got used to seeing them together.

Ibuki because my brother always calls them losers (he’s a bit mean sometimes, but I love him ;v;) so I started relating them n stuff.

Hakuryuu because my brother and I have this thing called the ‘Spammer Club’ which is for characters that say other character’s name a lot. We have Hakuryuu (who we jokingly call churugispammer) Miyasaka, Ibuki, Hakuryuu and Kurama got in too for some reason. So yeah. It happened. N stuff.

Also I brotp him with Kinako, but I brotp Kinako with everyone.

S: What’s a headcanon you have?

Hmm… I headcanon that out of the Second Year Trio, only Hamano has siblings (2 sisters, him being the middle sib- and no that’s not me self projecting ok) 

Hayami has mentioned more than once on the games that he wants to be a scientist, and I headcanon that it’s because his mother is! Which also means she’s super busy most of the time. So Hayami is quite dependent, but he can’t cook for his life. Hamano is surprisingly okay at cooking, and he’s learning to bake.

Also, Hayami really likes penguins for some reason.

T: What are your favorite male/male ships or female/female ships?

Ack, that’s a hard one ;v;

- Male/Male - (to keep things fresh from 3 diff fandoms each)

Hamano/Hayami (Inazuma Eleven)

Ishimaru/Oowada (Danganronpa)

Killua/Gon (HxH) 

Shu/Valt (Beyblade Burst)

Hau/Gladion (Pokémon)

- Female/Female -

Diana/Akko (Little Witch Academia) (i gotta continue it sob aaa)

Ootani/Anna (Inazuma Eleven)

Moon/Lillie (Pokémon)

Z: What’s a ship that you want to ship publicly, but everyone on tumblr hates it so you keep your mouth shut about it?

Ahahah, what are you talking about [hides my polyship mess under a rug] it is not much that they hate it, just that no one is interested XD

[howtohero]

#040 List of Handy Excuses (B)

It’s time for the next installment of our very popular (for a loose definition of “very popular”) list of handy excuses for when you wanna use your job as an excuse to get out of stuff to go fight crime.

A C D E

Babysitter

[No, you have to stay with the children. You wanna be a real hero? Keep an eye on these kids so their parents can have a well-deserved date night.]

Baker

• Great heroes aren’t born… They’re bread(makers).

Baggage Claim Attendant

I found this superhero costume in an abandoned piece of luggage at my work, I figured I might as well try it on and try fighting some bad guys. I mean why not right?

Bailiff

So I’ve been thinking, that judge guy is always having me bring in the evidence for all those court cases, so wouldn’t it be smart if I just went and grabbed pieces of evidence directly from crime scenes? Of course it’s smart. Uch I knew you’d be like this. Gosh it’s called being proactive Karen.

I’m also always showing belligerent witnesses or other such people out of court so wouldn’t it be neat if I showed a belligerent superpowered eco-terrorist out of our city? Of course it’d be neat! Uch why are you always like this. It’s called expanding my market Karen.

Banjo Player

The banjo that Kermit the Frog played in the opening scene of the Muppet Movie is at the Smithsonian. I need to go see it right now.

There’s a Mumford and Sons concert.

Bank Teller

No! No way. Is that a supervillain! I swear to god I cannot deal with this right now. These a-holes come into my bank like eight times a week and stick a gun or -and I kid you not- a four-foot-long flower that squirts acid in my face and hold me hostage and I am just sick of it. I’m out of here. (And then the irony is that really you are going to go put on some spandex and fight that supervillain).

Banker

I have to run out to go, uh, foreclose a house. (The irony is that really you’re going to go put on spandex and stop a house from burning down yay!)

Ball Boy

I am going to throw this baseball at Cthulhu.

Ballerina

Hey check this out! (then do some sick ballerina twirls right out the door).

Barber

I got a haircut the other day and my barber (shout out to Louie!) told me he was going to Italy for two weeks because he’s nearly 80 and he doesn’t know how many times he’s going to get to go to Italy and I thought he had an excellent point. So barbers, no matter what age you are, just tell people this. And then actually go to Italy.

Barker

You can actually use your loud shouting abilities to direct non-powered (read: lame) citizens away from the superhero fight. That’s probably where you can do the most good.

Bartender

Sometimes a supervillain just needs to talk to someone about their problems while that someone wipes the same spot of the counter with an old rag over and over again.

Baseball Player

I have an away game so I might be away for fifteen weeks.

I have a home game so I might be gone for thirty hours.

Basketball Player

Ok so I was playing golf and I made this admittedly kind of lousy shot but then the ball just started rolling and it landed right into the hole, crazy right? Yeah, so I go to get the ball and all of a sudden I get sucked into this cartoon world and these cartoon characters want me to play basketball against some cartoon alien monsters. So if I disappear for a bit that’s probably where I am.

Whoa, do you see that giant robot? How sick would it be if I jumped over that in the next dunk contest? I’m gonna go down there and see if I can’t get my hands on that thing.

Bass Guitarist

Ha! More like super bass (guitarist)!

Bed and Breakfast Proprietors

Literally all you have to do is just wait til after breakfast and before bedtime. Then you can go out and do whatever you want. Lunchtime is your prime crime fighting time.

Beekeeper

I’m sorry I will not be able to make dinner tonight for I have been carried off by a swarm of malignant bees.

I have to go put on my beekeeper suit, it may take a while.

Bellhop

Oh my god you would not believe this guest that’s staying at the hotel. He keeps finding problems with each room we put him in and demanding that we give him a new room and you know who has to carry his 22 incredibly heavy bags to each new room? Me! So if I leave abruptly, that’s where I am.

Bibliographer

Wait a minute, not everything in this non-fiction book is properly sourced and catalogued! I must get to the library posthaste to conduct the research necessary to determine where all of these facts, figures, opinions and otherwise borrowed pieces of writing originates from!

Bigfoot Hunter

Bigfoot’s doing another book reading at Barnes and Noble. It was in all the papers. Honestly, dude’s taking all the fun out of trying to track him down.

Biologist

Fun fact: I am the mitochondria, which is to the say, the “powerhouse” of this city. Therefore I am the only person capable of defeating this supervillain and his… acrobatic… elf army? What?

I have to go… photosynthesize something.

Biographer

Fun supervillain fact: Many supervillains turn to a life of crime and villainy because they feel that they have not gotten the respect that they were due in their pre-supervillain jobs. So maybe if I go down there and offer to write an actual book about them they’ll stop throwing pig carcasses at pedestrians.

Birdwatcher

Oh my god! There’s a light footed clapper rail near that superhero fight! I must get closer and snap some pictures for my rare birds Facebook and Instagram pages. Yes, I know it may be risky. But some things are just worth dying for. The light footed clapper rail is one of them.

Blacksmith

Finally! I’ve been clang clang clanging away on this new super cool armor in my workshop for weeks. I’m gonna put it on and fight that dragon that’s sitting in the park and freaking everybody out.

Boatswain

Some of the important boating equipment which I am responsible for (y’know stuff like life preservers, marine themed shaped snacks, the crew, boat engines?? porthole drapes?) is dangerously close to that rampaging truck monster. I’d better get down there and perform my sworn sacred boatswain duties.

Body Builder

Hey did you hear that I work out now? Yeah just figured I’d let you know in case you’re looking for me while I’m working out. If you can’t find me it’s probably because I’m working out. Crossfit leg day do you even lift crossfit.

Bodyguard

Ok if you’re a bodyguard and you want to go to your side job as a superhero here’s what you’ve gotta do. Wait until your client goes to the bathroom. Then jam the door, look him in there. Then go fight the crime. Then get back and free your client who will have been kept safe by the bathroom until you return.

Bongo Player

I’m gonna go find a bridge to play the bongos under.

Bookkeeper

I’m going to go down and take bets on that superhero fight I’m giving twenty to one odds on that giant mutant bullfrog eating Ultiman.

Botanist

You don’t need to make any excuses, probably your only friends are plants and plants are known to be very supportive of the activities of costumed heroes and vigilantes.

Bowler

(Look down at your shoes) My heavens! These are not my shoes! I must go find the true owners! (A Cinderella story for the modern age.)

Bouncer

I have to get to my post! My bar has a very strict no supervillains allowed rule and if that evil cyborg gets even close to The Drunk Hut it is my solemn responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get inside.

I’m a pretty buff man. I prevent children from sneaking in to the bar. I think it’s time that I step it up a level and bounce that supervillain right out of town.

Bouncy House Operator

Just deflate the thing and go fight crime.

Boxer

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, that villain may be winnin, but he’s not yet met me.

Boy Band Member

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Boy Scout Troop Leader

Ok whoever doesn’t tell their parents that I left early to punch a man made out of fire gets their “Kept a Superhero’s Secret Identity Badge,” their “Didn’t Snitch on Troop Leader Barry Badge” and their “Didn’t Descend into a Lord of the Flies Type Child Murder Chaos Scenario When Left Alone” badge.

Breakdancer

I’m going to challenge that eleven ton troll man from Mars to a dance-off, loser gets banished from Earth, winner gets ice cream (and gets to stay on Earth!)

Breeder

Wait a minute, does that supervillain have a horse that is on fire and also a ghost? Could you imagine what would happen if I acquired that horse and mated it with one of my top racing horses. It would be incredible. I’d be foolish not to get down to that superhero battle right away.

Bubble Blower (such as the kind that perform delightful and mystifying bubble shows)

I am going to delight and mystify this villain right in the face.

The villain is trying to make off with the entire town’s supply of soapy water. I must stop him. Even if I am not a superhero. Which I of course am not. (But say it in a way that sounds less suspicious.)

Buccaneer

I’m what you might call very expensive corn (wait for everyone to groan at your terrible pun) I’ll just see myself out.

Builder

Somebody somewhere just asked “can we fix it!” and I need to go shout “yes we can!” in their face. I know that that sounds like the kind of thing a fixer should be doing but we’ve pretty much taken over the “can we fix it/yes we can” industry thanks to public television.

Bureau of UFO Tracking, Transporting and Studying Agent

I have to go flush out some aliens, I don’t want any of them slipping through the cracks.

Bus Boy

All right everybody we’re going to try something new tonight! Everyone will just bus their own tables this shift! Then you’ll gain a greater appreciation for the working class! (You only need to do this once because you’ll almost definitely be fired for this.)

Bus Driver

If I stopped driving my route every time aliens took over midtown I’d never be able to my job.

Butlers

No no no no, butlers aren’t superheroes. It’s their rich masters who are superheroes. I mean sure butlers are the clear brains behind the entire operation and without them the Billionaire with Issues™ genre of superhero wouldn’t exist but I can’t think of a single butler superhero (as opposed to the dozens of bubble blower and bibliographer superheroes there are out there).

Tune in next time when we tackle all of the “c” occupations. As always if you know of a job that isn’t represented here ((speaking of representation, I’m pretty sure there isn’t any difference between a barrister and a lawyer so you’ll have to wait like a year til we get to L.) By all means, contact us. Or just use a generic excuse like “I need to get down to that superhero fight to see if I can help people in any way that I can because I am a good person” or “I am going out to get orange juice.”